Choose to Challenge: My All Women's Orchestra Experience

“There can be miracles, when you believe

Though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill

Who knows what miracles you can achieve,

When you believe somehow you will,

You will when you believe”

These are the lyrics to “When you believe”, the encore piece at the Kenya Conservatoire Women’s orchestra concert weekend, in celebration of International Women’s Day 2021. This song was magnificent! From the glorious harmonies sung by The Trebles voices of Spellcast, to the powerful brass section on my row that belted out all the emotions, to the graceful flutes and the solemn strings section. It was such an honor being among such beautiful and powerful women, sharing a passion for music.

I subconsciously hum the tunes that were in our repertoire till today and fondly remember our practice sessions. At first, I was quite scared since being the only saxophonist (and an early intermediate player at that), I wondered whether I really did belong there.  Had I jumped the gun and bitten off more than I could chew? Should I have waited it out one more year as I fine tune my skills on the saxophone? Would I have the time to practice faithfully with med school hot on my heels? Why did I have solo parts in some songs? Did they really trust me to be able to play that well? Besides, only my family and friends had heard me playing the sax. In fact, I had never played in front of any audience before!

Oh the days my eyes would beg for mercy from the conductor because I’d messed up my part and she and I both knew it! I remember leaving practice one Saturday so ready to call it quits. I told my close friends how I didn’t even believe I was capable of the task ahead of me so I would rather quit before it got too serious. You bet it felt like a movie scene, when a character is at a crossroads then a motivational song blasts out “I just can’t give up now, I’ve come too far from where I started from…”  In fact mine was a whole choir, with 4 part harmonies, that belted out that song in my head!

This year’s theme for International Women’s day was #ChooseToChallenge; a challenged world is an alert world. Individually, we’re all responsible for our own thoughts and actions- all day and every day.

I’m so glad that that statement rings loud and true for me in light of my orchestra experience. I realize that nobody ever told me that I was not good enough for the orchestra. Nobody ever told me that I was a bad musician or that I didn’t deserve to be there. They were all a function of my own thoughts! The decision to push on despite how I felt was merely one of ego, to be very honest. I didn’t want to attend the concert as part of the audience wishing I was on the stage with them. Besides, being seen/known as a quitter wasn’t going to sit well with my sizeable ego!

But more so, I didn’t want to live with the fact that I disqualified myself. Would I ever forgive myself, knowing that I was the stumbling block to my own dream? In any case, the one person who could tell the story of the small improvements I had made over time or the daily progress I had seen was me! Yet I, was my biggest critic, all in the name of fear.

Koki Oyuke hit the nail on the head in her book ‘Chosen Not Cheated’:

“Safe is always slower-whether it has to do with money, relationships or plain old life. Like tortoises, we slow down our progress when we carry the burden of living sheltered. Sure, we may live longer, but the wrinkles on our faces will speak of survival and not adventure. They’ll speak of fear and not courage. We’ll have forgettable stories unworthy to be passed on. And that’s no way to live. Fear and weakness never inspired anyone to greatness. Only courage and strength.”

And the room went silent.

Let me repeat it just for emphasis: Fear and weakness never inspired anyone to greatness!

I then implore you fellow lady reading this, #ChoosetoChallenge your own self-defeating thoughts! Rise up in courage to the journey set before you. Yes, some men or our society may disqualify us. Yes, inequality and issues diversity/inclusion may be our external enemies, but, may God help you quiet the internal voices that shut you down. Honey, you are capable of doing great glorious things! You’re worth it, never doubt it.

How interesting it is that Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston sung of the same thing in ‘When You Believe’;

“Many nights we prayed, with no proof anyone could anyone could hear

In our heats a hopeful song, we barely understood

Now we are not afraid, although we know there’s much to fear

We were moving mountains long before we knew we could”

Go move mountains sis! #ChooseToChallenge

Grace and Peace.

PS: Shout-out to my beloved Hosea for the most thoughtful gift of a sax, to my family for braving through my daily evening practice (at 6pm like clockwork), to my teacher Erick who started me off with the basics on sax, to my close friends who cheered me on through my 100 days practice challenge and to all ladies of the orchestra, special mention to the woodwinds section! You guys took my breath away (hehe pun intended!)